Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


This morning I had to wear my winter jacket and a scarf because it is absolutely freezing outside. I feel like sometimes I skip fall all together and go straight from summer to winter because I'm too busy wishing it were summer and dreading winter. By the time the first snowflake hits the ground, I feel like the steam that rises from the sidewalk as cold meets warm. Because that's what I really am. I'm a mix of cold and warm and mixed up about everything and all I want to be is warm all the time but I can't help but have these fits of shivering and rely on a few constants to keep me sane.
I really wish that I could write down everything as fast as I think it. That way, I would be writing moment by moment instead of piecing it all together with memories. But I guess memories are best because people can see themselves in you and pretend they are you for just a moment or two.
I guess I'm just rambling, but I was out for a walk and couldn't help but think myself to death as I always do. I'll post again today.
Until then, love you all.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Warning you - this is going to be a loooong ass post. Sorry. I'll break it up into bolded sections.

Boring Intro
Wow. I feel like it's been centuries since I last blogged!
I guess I'll start from where I left off but first I want to say thanks to everyone for the supportive comments and following. The fact that me taking weight off my chest (pun intended!) means encouragement for others makes this whole ordeal feel so worthwhile.
Also just wanted to note something I uncovered this weekend you all may or may not agree with.
My Realization
Ana is my release. It's something to occupy myself with. It's a diversion. It could even be classified as an obsession.
When I'm feeling tired at work, I think about Ana.
When I'm frustrated with my family, I think about Ana.
When I'm stressed about school, I think about Ana.
And the list goes on...
But to get to the point, nothing makes me happier than shedding those pounds when I know I've deserved it. I could be in the worst situation possible, and I'll still smile when the scale slides down. It's like drinking or smoking or playing sports or writing. It's something to channel your hope into when reality hits you too hard.
I hope you girls understand this feeling.
So, now back to my chaotic slash boring life (depending how you look at it)
The Date
The date went extremely well. We drove for hours looking for a Booster Juice around my house (I warned him there wouldn't be one - but he was persistant and eventually settled for Starbucks.) Then we rented Marley and Me.
Ranting About How Bad Marley and Me Was
I wouldn't have rented it because of my fresh wounds from the breakup and I didn't want to start bawling in front of a guy the first time we hung out, but he kindof wanted to see it, so we got it. To be honest, I thought it was a lot of hype for nothing. Sure, it had its cute moments and funny circumstances, but it was too one dimentional. I find this always happens when books are condensed and produced into movies. I've never read the book - but I could tell the establishing of relationships between the characters had been completely cut out. I mean, everyone knows the dog dies. That was the saddest part (may have leaked a tear or two) but other than that - 1.5 out of 4 stars.
The End of the Date and Contemplation
So, when i was saying goodbye to "S", he gave me a tight hug and then when he pulled away, he lingered a little. I think he wanted to kiss me, but then he said "I think that's alright since you just broke up". I nodded, said thanks, and he left. Now I really want to kiss him, but I'm scared of what will happen. I want to establish a kind of "friends with benefits" relationship with him, but don't know how to go about saying it and not sounding like a whore. I know I just need to be honest with him and I don't think I could do another relationship for a while. Plus, I'm travelling next year so it would be pointless to even become semi-attached. Aaaand, I've been having sex with the same guy for 10 months, I need some variety! I think the best way would be to hook up (perhaps not sex) and then let him know I'm not looking for a relationship. What do you guys think?
The "I'm Interested" Text
So, on my way home from Kingston (I'll talk about Queens later), I was texting "S". He asked me how I was doing with the breakup and I just told him I was upset, but I'm not mopey because I'd rather pick myself up and make the best of it. Then he texted back "aaand that's why your do different from most of the girls I've ever been interested in". Woah! So I texted him back being like "Interested in? ;)" and he replied "Haha oh did I say that?". I left it at that and asked him about the Leaf game. The subject is a little premature, so I decided not to push it. Guys hate when you push those kinds of things. They let one thing slip and girls start to melt and babble and ask "why" all the time. Heads up: they would tell you more if their brains worked fast enough, so let them untangle those knots and tell you why they like your room so much and don't fluster them about whether it's the frilly bed sheets or pine desk that they like better. (The absolute WORST one to pull is the "why do you like me?". Just don't.)
Getting to Kingston
My two friends and I went to Queens University for the weekend to see our best friend and because it was homecoming. Now, I don't know if you've heard of homecoming at Queens, but you should youtube it. It's CRAZZZY! Anyways, we missed the 7:20 pm bus and had to wait around til' 9:15 which meant we weren't going to get to Kingston til' midnight! But we had not other choice, so we did a little grocery shop and lingered around the station. When the bus came, we got the best seats. There were 4 seats around a table and we set up all our food and goodies and decided about half way to drink a little before we got there because everyone was going to be trashed upon our arrival. Everything was smooth sailing until someone smoked in the bathroom and this fucked up Methhead chick tried to blame my friend for it! I'm the only one that smokes out of the three of us. I was ready to go ape shit on her but the bus driver said the police weren't there, so "whoever" it was could get off this time. Fuck that stupid Methhead.
Once we got there, we met some people on the steps who ended up being our best friend's friends. And this was before she got there so that was pretty cool. When we saw eachother, there were a lot of tackle strength hugs. It was great seeing her again.We then went to "K"s (an upper year who lives in the student ghetto with a bunch of other girls) because we couldn't get into res. Res was on lockdown all weekend because of homecoming - but we snuck in past 4 am after the dons went off duty. We smoked up a show once we got there. We had a table set up with my hookah and pipe and someone's bong and pipe. It was great and we got so ripped that we decided to walk all the way in town to get McDicks. But someone drove us. I think she was drunk. But all I remember is how good those fries were. Sorry, Ana, but when I'm high, there's no stopping me!
Pancake Kegger
Never knew there was such a thing. But sure enough, at 9 in the morning, pancakes were made and the beer was a-flowing at "K"s. I took 5 2 oz. shots of vodka and we headed into town. Good stuff.
The rest of the weekend was pretty much filled with rain, drinking, blazing, cops, and parties. I don't want to drag on.
Good stuff.

So now I'm sitting here at work. My boss is in a bad mood and I'm so tired. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed with a friend, a good book, and a hot chocolate. Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Hope you're all well. I'm going to catch up on reading and stuff when my boss isn't pacing the halls. Sorry I cut the post short.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Here's the dealll

So, I guess since everything has calmed down, I can give you the deets about the breakup dundundun...
It wasn't bad. It was just really sad, to be honest. He came over and I just kindof lowered my head and said 'I know' and he just held me. We went upstairs and started to talk. There was no hostility and we were both on the same level of understanding. The distance would be too much and we are at points in our lives when things are changing rapidly and keeping up a steady relationship would be too much effort. Personally, I think relationships need a combination of elements to survive. You need attraction (sexually and mentally), conflict, and convenience. And as strong as the attraction may be, you will always need the two other elements. Having a relationship without conflict is pointless. You need a partner who challenges you and recognises your flaws and loves you anyway. Convenience comes from a variety of subcategories, but the main idea is : how often will you see eachother? And this was turning into once a week if we were lucky. And even then, he would be wrapped up in  homework and I'd busy myself with dinner or working out or something of the like.
But ANYWAYSSS back on track with the story... convenience just wasn't there. So we hugged and kissed and he told me I would always be his first love. By then, my face was covered in face juice but I kissed him anways and told him the same. Also told him he would be my only Chicken Ball and he said I'd be his only Spring Roll (our nicknames we made up when really high and eating sushi). Then we reminiced on the past. Like our first hookup and how awkward it was LOL. About how we used to take walks in the "romantic snow" (big slow fluffy pieces) and how we drove together all the time. I agreed I'd still visit after a while (a long while) and I refused to say goodbye and said "see you later".  Then he left.
So, pretty much went as smoothly as a breakup could (minus me looking horrible because I was leaking from my face).
So, yeah.
And it will take me a while to get over this. I'll probably never get "over it". I'll just grow to accept it. And I know if we ever do meet up down the road... well, I guess we'll see then.
For now, things are good. I worked til 6 last night (Blagh - 10 hour day) and then drove about 40 minutes to pick up my IDs I accidently left with a friend, dove home, and crashed.
Now I'm at work with 2 1/2 hours to go. At 6, I've got a date. Actually, I lied, it's not a date. We met about 3 years ago and have been in touch on and off and made a few plans and ditched and whatnot. Now we both drive and he's picking me up and taking me to Booster Juice. I'm excited!  get to test out my oh-so-rusty flirtation skills. I'll let you ladies know how it goes ;) (Obvi won't be hooking up - too soon for that!)

On the thin side, I know I haven't written much about my weight lately, just because I've been waiting to get back on track so I don't bore you all with the negatives. ("oh, I binged again" "damn, I ate dinner last night" blah blah blah). So, I'm still sitting at 122 I think. My scale at the office measures in Kg and it's one of the weird medical ones. I have to buy my own. I eat a banana for breakfast every morning, Diet Pepsi and tea during the day, Rice Cake and/or fruit for lunch, and dinner fluctuates every night. Last night I had about 10 Tostidos (oops!) and grapes. So, the weight might not be getting lower, but I know it will if I keep at this pace.
So, enough with my boring rambling. Here's some thinspo.
Clothing company Sophomore has done it again! Their Lookbook is unreal. It was all shot by Cass Bird. An amazing photographer. The models and the atmosphere they create just by being casual and beautiful is admirable. Take a look!

This is Sophomore's Lookbook site. Have a browse :)

Now I'm going off to FB and/or text some boys from the past 10 months I wasn't allowed to pursue. Hurrah for me!

Love you all and hope you're having wonderful days

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

All Right Now (song by Free - download it)

Can't write much because I'm about to go out.
Everything went as well as it could have last night in terms of breaking up. Of course I was upset - but I wasn't mad or angry at myself or anyone in particular. Everything changes and I can either mope around the house and cry for weeks about losing him or get back on my feet, cheer up, stick with being friends, and be optimistic. (I chose the latter as you can tell!)
As for thinspo, I've discovered a new brand of clothing. It's too expensive for me, of course, but I love their site. Their girls' line is called Boys and their site features their clothing in candid polaroids with fantastic models. Here's a sneak:

They have spreads and real ads, too. (I like the polaroids better)

I will chat with all of you lovelies tomorrow. Sorry I'm being so negligent of my blog and whatnot. Hopefully I'll have time to breathe tomorrow at work and perhaps post! Also - thanks for all your support on the break up - really appreciate it :)

(New Gossip Girl season started yesterday - Hurah! - I mean, it's a shitty show but it's addicting. And who can resist a whole hour of Blake Lively?!)

Monday, September 21, 2009

I'm gonna be good

All it took was a night and I'm totally in control. I'm getting better at this.
So, since that (shady) conversation with my boyfriend I have convinced myself that no matter how tonight goes, I'll be happy.
If we stay together: Hurah, I'm with the man I love and I can continue loving him and loving life. But I'll still have a "talk" with him. I'll say something along the lines of "Look, I know you're in college and if at all you feel like you might want to take a break, let me know. I honestly just want you to be happy and I think that above all, we're friends, and we can still be 'special buddies' (wink wink). I love you but I totally understand if you want to just enjoy the college life. Just don't get an STD. And I know I'm going travelling next year which complicates things because I'm not going to expect you to wait for me to come home. But if you want to stick it out, all we can do is take this one step at a time and worry when we have to."
If we break up: I'll be single for my trip to Queens this weekend (Homecoming - hurahhh!). Also started talking to 3 guys since the scare last night. (Kind of like a slutty security blanket) so guarenteed action either way. And I also won't have to deal with the issue when I go away.

I love him, though. I really do.
But I'm going to stick to my down-to-earth realistic self and not go back to who I used to be.
I don't need to overthink this. What happens, happens and all I can do is deal with it.

I'll be back with more thinspo tomorrow.
Have a wonderful night, ladies!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Here we go

Pretty sure my boyfriend is coming home tomorrow to break up with me.
I can handle it. I can handle myself. But I feel so fragile. I feel like I've been living on a wire strung across everyone else's needs. And now there's a breeze and I'm going to get thrown off.
I feel a downward spiral coming on.
Here we go.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Haven't written in a while because I have nothing new to report on, really. I'm still sitting at good ol' 122. Ugh. BUTTTT I'm joining the gym down the road from me. All the older guys I know work out there (I say older because all my friends my age have gone off to uni so now I hang out with the older crew). Should be good!!!

I'm making a goal to be 120 by Monday. It will be hard because I have a wedding to go to and I'm planning sushi on Friday with my sister but I'm ready for a challenge.

Anywhooo... Since I have little to nothing to write about, I'll share some thinspo.
Introducing photographer Juergen Teller. He's recently done done editorial spreads for W and does a lot of shoots for Vivianne Westwood and Marc Jacobs and did one a while ago with Kate Moss. I just love his style. His photos has such unique colouring and texture. They range from everyday casual headshots to way-out-there-in-your-face-nude shots. Gotta love it. (I made em' small so I could put a bunch so click them to see full-size)

Photos are messy - Blogger's horrible for uploading and organizing them!

That's it for now.
Love you all

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Ughh Son

Gotta make this quick

Bad News: Told my best friend a little bit about ED. Basically said, once an ED, always an ED.
Good News: I think she's an ED - we both took laxies last night.
Bad News: I haven't shit yet and I'm about to go play soccer.
Good News: I have 3 soccer games today (only 50 mins. each) to burn off some popcorn and egg from last night.
Bad News: I ate popcorn and eggs when completely hammed last night.
Good News: I got completely hammed last night.

Tonight I may spend the night in Toronto, or I may go party at my friends' new place around the corner. Depends on how we do in our tournament today.

PS - My stomach is getting flatter and my lovehandles are dissapearing, not as fast as I'd like, but it's happening and it's progress and I'll take what I can get.

Hang in there, Lovelies :)
And have a great weekend!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hello, Lovelies

Today is a slow and quiet Friday, just how I like them :)
In fact, I'd rather work not end. I've gotten used to not eating here. During my last cookie purchases for the office (part of my job is to keep all that good stuff in stock) I bought Rice Cakes (Butter Popcorn - 35cal & Parmesean - 45cal) and Rice Thins (80cal per 10). So I'm no longer tempted to stuff my face with Cherry Turnovers - which I dicovered have 110 cal each!!! Ew!
But back on subject, I just don't eat at work. If anything, a couple nibbles and a few Diet Cokes. And I just pretend to go out for lunch or just skip lunch break all together. Home is the real problem. As soon as I walk in the door - my instinct turns to food. I might not even be hungry, I just WANTWANTWANT it. And I usually want it all. Ugh. But tonight, my mom wants to go to Sushi Date. I NEVER turn down Sushi Date but I honestly do not want to eat. At all. So I convinced her to get take-out so I can purge quickly thereafter.
Sushi is not even the worst of it - Afterwards my friends and I planned to get reallllly high and go see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. And eat spagetti after. AHHHH! Maybe if I tell them I went to Sushi, they'll understand. I just don't want to get high anymore. All I do is eat.
Anywhoooo... enough of my ramblings. I found an old free verse that I wrote. I created an image of a woman (the best friend) and shortly after finishing, realized that this is the woman I want to be. This is how I want to be percieved: unpredictable and chaotic, wild yet in control, beautiful and saultry. Distant. Read and you'll understand.

The smoking was evident in her elongated “h”s which rattled faintly. The accent was slight and only apparent in the upward tilt in peculiar words and at the end of her sentences. Time had gotten the best of her. Her laugh lines had gone from indents to creases, imprints of good memories I had no part in. Rings of sleepless nights decorated around her eyes. Her skin was golden, ornamented with a plethora of freckles and, unlike her skin, her hair had turned a few shades lighter to a dirty blonde. Her messy updo left wavy strands dangling at the sides of her face, partially hiding her ears she still had yet to grow into. Her clothes hung loosely from her brittle, bony frame. Her cheek bones protruded giving her tired, green eyes a bolder stare. She seemed to stare right through me, beyond me, into another world she had discovered. I wanted so badly to see what she did, to understand the thoughts that waded in the green of her eyes, but she couldn’t see the longing swimming in my blue ones. She couldn’t see how much I wanted, no, how much I needed her to stay. I needed her so bad that, if she hadn’t turned around and walked away within that split second, I would have followed her to the end of the world. But all I could do was stand, stunned, her raspy goodbye echoing in my ears, setting off sirens in my brain and causing my heart to palpitate. I wanted our life back, the one we created and bathed in for so long, riding waves, sinking and floating. I know her bipolarity travelled North and South and took advantage of both of us. I could have handled the cold Arctic, I could have handled her searing stare that can make my skin bubble, but I couldn’t handle the blank face she held opposite to mine that day. I couldn’t handle the sight of her back as she walked away, head held high. I couldn’t handle that feeling of invisibility that settled upon me, along with the weight of the world.

So I turned my back, head lowered, and I, too, disappeared.

So long, again, best friend.
That's all for now. Hope you all have a wonderful Friday :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

She Wolf

Fucking love that song.
Also couldn't think of a creative name for my post.

Anyways... I was doing so well Tuesday, but then when got home and had brie and then went out and had pizza. I took some laxies before bed and yesterday my stomach was cramping reallllly bad. But I have decided to look at it as punishment. If becoming fat isn't a good enough reason not to eat, laxies should be.
Yesterday I did great. Ate maybe 5 Rice Thins (30 cals) and 2 Diet Cokes. When I got home, I ate a bowl of pasta and purged as much as possible. So I'm thinking total intake yesterday was 150 cals - tops. Today my hands are a bit shaky. I've had a Butter Popcorn Rice Cake (35 cal), Medium French Vanilla from Tims (250 cal) - ouch!, and I'm on my 2nd Diet Coke. I think I'll drive to Mississauga to have a coffee with my friend and pick up my fake IDs I left with her by accident when we went clubbing. I can avoid dinner this way, too.
BTW I'm down to 125.2. So, I've been able to put off 3 lbs in 2 days. Not the greatest, but it's ok. I'm bloated, too, because I'm on my period. Just cross my fingers I'm down tomorrow.
As for thinspo, I've got a few models to share. I usually go for the underground art and stuff, but these girls are recognized supermodels.

Michelle's Dutch and absolutely stunning. She's quite successful having done shows for Armani, Dior, Chalayan, Rucci, Prive, you get the idea...

Next on the list is Siri Tollerod. She's got THE perfect body. And a face to match. Like, fuck me.
This shoot is one of my favorites by her. The last photo I found randomly on Google. I just love it.

The last model is probably no stranger to you girls. She's Natasha Poly. Having done shows and shoots for the top designers and being featured in the most prominent fashion magazines today, she's everywhere. She oozes sexiness. There's something that just makes you look twice at her photos.

But let's be serious - no one looks like this by eating like this. Ladies, we know that truth.

Anyways... That's it for me today. I'm lacking on the posts because I'm terribly busy at work. Ah! Stress. But it should die down soon.

Love you all, I'll still be reading when I get the chance.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Blogger Hiatus

Weighed myself on the same scale that read 122 a week ago and last night it read 128.
6 pounds in one week.
Fuck this week. I'll call it my "fat week" and give in until Tuesday. It will be my farewell to eating.
Tuesday commences a 3 day fast.
And lots of exercise.
So, later days, girlies.
I'm off until Tuesday.
Have a great long weekend :)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I feel fan-fucking-tastic.
Last night I went to my boyfriend's new condo and met his new roomate. Both = so nice. We all finished putting together their couch, then took a little stroll around their area (Distillery District = so nice). We went out for celebration dinner and I had a quesedilla and soup and some drinks. I drank, like, a gallon of wine. (It's my weakness!) But I think I'm in such a good mood, my happiness will burn the calories away!
I am, however, extremely exhausted. I had to take the TTC to get to work this morning which meant taking a streetcar, then the subway, then a bus. But I did it all in under an hour. I usually get to work around 8:30 and I was petrified I would be late, so I left this morning at 6:30. I got here at 7:30! So early! But I just enjoyed the morning; went for a walk, hacked a dart, and came here.

And now for the best part of my posts (Well, I'm assuming everyone likes my art better than my ramblings)
Photographer: Radge = Total amazing, fun, awesomeness.
His photos are so casually cool.

Ugh. Stressfull day at work so far, but it's alright.
Signing off