Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Warning you - this is going to be a loooong ass post. Sorry. I'll break it up into bolded sections.

Boring Intro
Wow. I feel like it's been centuries since I last blogged!
I guess I'll start from where I left off but first I want to say thanks to everyone for the supportive comments and following. The fact that me taking weight off my chest (pun intended!) means encouragement for others makes this whole ordeal feel so worthwhile.
Also just wanted to note something I uncovered this weekend you all may or may not agree with.
My Realization
Ana is my release. It's something to occupy myself with. It's a diversion. It could even be classified as an obsession.
When I'm feeling tired at work, I think about Ana.
When I'm frustrated with my family, I think about Ana.
When I'm stressed about school, I think about Ana.
And the list goes on...
But to get to the point, nothing makes me happier than shedding those pounds when I know I've deserved it. I could be in the worst situation possible, and I'll still smile when the scale slides down. It's like drinking or smoking or playing sports or writing. It's something to channel your hope into when reality hits you too hard.
I hope you girls understand this feeling.
So, now back to my chaotic slash boring life (depending how you look at it)
The Date
The date went extremely well. We drove for hours looking for a Booster Juice around my house (I warned him there wouldn't be one - but he was persistant and eventually settled for Starbucks.) Then we rented Marley and Me.
Ranting About How Bad Marley and Me Was
I wouldn't have rented it because of my fresh wounds from the breakup and I didn't want to start bawling in front of a guy the first time we hung out, but he kindof wanted to see it, so we got it. To be honest, I thought it was a lot of hype for nothing. Sure, it had its cute moments and funny circumstances, but it was too one dimentional. I find this always happens when books are condensed and produced into movies. I've never read the book - but I could tell the establishing of relationships between the characters had been completely cut out. I mean, everyone knows the dog dies. That was the saddest part (may have leaked a tear or two) but other than that - 1.5 out of 4 stars.
The End of the Date and Contemplation
So, when i was saying goodbye to "S", he gave me a tight hug and then when he pulled away, he lingered a little. I think he wanted to kiss me, but then he said "I think that's alright since you just broke up". I nodded, said thanks, and he left. Now I really want to kiss him, but I'm scared of what will happen. I want to establish a kind of "friends with benefits" relationship with him, but don't know how to go about saying it and not sounding like a whore. I know I just need to be honest with him and I don't think I could do another relationship for a while. Plus, I'm travelling next year so it would be pointless to even become semi-attached. Aaaand, I've been having sex with the same guy for 10 months, I need some variety! I think the best way would be to hook up (perhaps not sex) and then let him know I'm not looking for a relationship. What do you guys think?
The "I'm Interested" Text
So, on my way home from Kingston (I'll talk about Queens later), I was texting "S". He asked me how I was doing with the breakup and I just told him I was upset, but I'm not mopey because I'd rather pick myself up and make the best of it. Then he texted back "aaand that's why your do different from most of the girls I've ever been interested in". Woah! So I texted him back being like "Interested in? ;)" and he replied "Haha oh did I say that?". I left it at that and asked him about the Leaf game. The subject is a little premature, so I decided not to push it. Guys hate when you push those kinds of things. They let one thing slip and girls start to melt and babble and ask "why" all the time. Heads up: they would tell you more if their brains worked fast enough, so let them untangle those knots and tell you why they like your room so much and don't fluster them about whether it's the frilly bed sheets or pine desk that they like better. (The absolute WORST one to pull is the "why do you like me?". Just don't.)
Getting to Kingston
My two friends and I went to Queens University for the weekend to see our best friend and because it was homecoming. Now, I don't know if you've heard of homecoming at Queens, but you should youtube it. It's CRAZZZY! Anyways, we missed the 7:20 pm bus and had to wait around til' 9:15 which meant we weren't going to get to Kingston til' midnight! But we had not other choice, so we did a little grocery shop and lingered around the station. When the bus came, we got the best seats. There were 4 seats around a table and we set up all our food and goodies and decided about half way to drink a little before we got there because everyone was going to be trashed upon our arrival. Everything was smooth sailing until someone smoked in the bathroom and this fucked up Methhead chick tried to blame my friend for it! I'm the only one that smokes out of the three of us. I was ready to go ape shit on her but the bus driver said the police weren't there, so "whoever" it was could get off this time. Fuck that stupid Methhead.
Once we got there, we met some people on the steps who ended up being our best friend's friends. And this was before she got there so that was pretty cool. When we saw eachother, there were a lot of tackle strength hugs. It was great seeing her again.We then went to "K"s (an upper year who lives in the student ghetto with a bunch of other girls) because we couldn't get into res. Res was on lockdown all weekend because of homecoming - but we snuck in past 4 am after the dons went off duty. We smoked up a show once we got there. We had a table set up with my hookah and pipe and someone's bong and pipe. It was great and we got so ripped that we decided to walk all the way in town to get McDicks. But someone drove us. I think she was drunk. But all I remember is how good those fries were. Sorry, Ana, but when I'm high, there's no stopping me!
Pancake Kegger
Never knew there was such a thing. But sure enough, at 9 in the morning, pancakes were made and the beer was a-flowing at "K"s. I took 5 2 oz. shots of vodka and we headed into town. Good stuff.
The rest of the weekend was pretty much filled with rain, drinking, blazing, cops, and parties. I don't want to drag on.
Good stuff.

So now I'm sitting here at work. My boss is in a bad mood and I'm so tired. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed with a friend, a good book, and a hot chocolate. Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Hope you're all well. I'm going to catch up on reading and stuff when my boss isn't pacing the halls. Sorry I cut the post short.

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