Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Hello, Lovelies

Today is a slow and quiet Friday, just how I like them :)
In fact, I'd rather work not end. I've gotten used to not eating here. During my last cookie purchases for the office (part of my job is to keep all that good stuff in stock) I bought Rice Cakes (Butter Popcorn - 35cal & Parmesean - 45cal) and Rice Thins (80cal per 10). So I'm no longer tempted to stuff my face with Cherry Turnovers - which I dicovered have 110 cal each!!! Ew!
But back on subject, I just don't eat at work. If anything, a couple nibbles and a few Diet Cokes. And I just pretend to go out for lunch or just skip lunch break all together. Home is the real problem. As soon as I walk in the door - my instinct turns to food. I might not even be hungry, I just WANTWANTWANT it. And I usually want it all. Ugh. But tonight, my mom wants to go to Sushi Date. I NEVER turn down Sushi Date but I honestly do not want to eat. At all. So I convinced her to get take-out so I can purge quickly thereafter.
Sushi is not even the worst of it - Afterwards my friends and I planned to get reallllly high and go see Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. And eat spagetti after. AHHHH! Maybe if I tell them I went to Sushi, they'll understand. I just don't want to get high anymore. All I do is eat.
Anywhoooo... enough of my ramblings. I found an old free verse that I wrote. I created an image of a woman (the best friend) and shortly after finishing, realized that this is the woman I want to be. This is how I want to be percieved: unpredictable and chaotic, wild yet in control, beautiful and saultry. Distant. Read and you'll understand.

The smoking was evident in her elongated “h”s which rattled faintly. The accent was slight and only apparent in the upward tilt in peculiar words and at the end of her sentences. Time had gotten the best of her. Her laugh lines had gone from indents to creases, imprints of good memories I had no part in. Rings of sleepless nights decorated around her eyes. Her skin was golden, ornamented with a plethora of freckles and, unlike her skin, her hair had turned a few shades lighter to a dirty blonde. Her messy updo left wavy strands dangling at the sides of her face, partially hiding her ears she still had yet to grow into. Her clothes hung loosely from her brittle, bony frame. Her cheek bones protruded giving her tired, green eyes a bolder stare. She seemed to stare right through me, beyond me, into another world she had discovered. I wanted so badly to see what she did, to understand the thoughts that waded in the green of her eyes, but she couldn’t see the longing swimming in my blue ones. She couldn’t see how much I wanted, no, how much I needed her to stay. I needed her so bad that, if she hadn’t turned around and walked away within that split second, I would have followed her to the end of the world. But all I could do was stand, stunned, her raspy goodbye echoing in my ears, setting off sirens in my brain and causing my heart to palpitate. I wanted our life back, the one we created and bathed in for so long, riding waves, sinking and floating. I know her bipolarity travelled North and South and took advantage of both of us. I could have handled the cold Arctic, I could have handled her searing stare that can make my skin bubble, but I couldn’t handle the blank face she held opposite to mine that day. I couldn’t handle the sight of her back as she walked away, head held high. I couldn’t handle that feeling of invisibility that settled upon me, along with the weight of the world.

So I turned my back, head lowered, and I, too, disappeared.

So long, again, best friend.
That's all for now. Hope you all have a wonderful Friday :)


  1. getting stoned does = munchies which = fat. I try and ignor the munchies and when I sucseed I feel great because I know that it means my body has atacked fat that was already lurking in my body, and im so hungry because the weed has sped up my metab! :)

    Sushi is gooooooooood *drool* lol!


  2. I know what you mean about work, sorta because I can't eat at school. Just too many people.

    Your writing is discriptive-me likey. Sad, though. :(