Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Crash and Burn

I'm a mess.
I'm fucked up through and through.
Something's wrong with me and I just figured out what it is.

I'm mad.
I'm fucking angry.
All the time.

I'm mad at my sister for not giving two shits about anyone but herself.
I'm mad at my mom for staying in a job she hates and treating me like a child.
I'm mad at my dad for placing my sister on a pedestil when she does fuck all.
I'm mad at B for using her "self-conciousness" to manipulate people.
I'm mad at A for deciding she doesn't want to go to the same university as me.
I'm mad at my boss for piling his work on me.
I'm mad at the woman on the phone yesterday for being so fucking thick.
I'm mad at M for being skinnier than me.
I'm mad
I'm mad
I'm mad
At the whole fucking world.

And starving myself, purging, feeling that emptiness inside; it all helps me deal with the anger.
When I'm empty I can float right on by everyone. But I'm not empty. I'm fat and disgusting and...
You guessed it. I'm mad.

So I'm taking everything to new extremes. I will no longer be angry with myself. I will do this.

I will probably be taking a break from blogging. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know it's somewhere good. And when I get there, I'll let you all know.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I feel so selfish

I'm going to write another post about ME. Yeah, I'm feeling greedy, but I just need this out.
I've gained 5 lbs. since Halloween. I fast tomorrow. I eat under 500 calories Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to fast all next week. I will only drink diet coke and eat ricecakes when I have to. Any dinner I am made to eat, I'll purge.
I'm not good with setting limits for myself, but I need it this time.
I need this I need this I need this.
I'll be reading and commenting but I won't post until I've lost those 5 pounds. I just don't want to bring you all down here with me. It's not fun.
Oh, and on another note... I saw this documentary on pro ana/mia blogs and it infuriated me. Some people are so naive to think that they have the right to step into the ring of someone's private life. I let you all in our of trust. What people don't fucking get is that we aren't trying to hurt one another. Everything we do revolves around food. It's always on our minds. Settled in the back or right in the middle of our attention; it's there. Be it insecurity, chemical imbalance in the brain, anger, what have you, those not infected do not and will not ever understand.
Thanks for being here girls.
Thanks for everything.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I hate not Blogging

Sitting in a corner, head to the wall, the little white lies who march out your mouth so proudly light up the room. And when every corner is lit and every lie has been told, you spin around, ever so slowly. Your back slides against the wall, you're falling to the floor, your mouth gaping open, a black hole no longer spilling the light. You hit the ground and you realize your lies have closed you in.

Wrote that as a draft post last week and was going to finish it this week, but I don't think it needs finishing.
It's been a long day. It's been a long week. Felt some tangs of loneliness and worthlessness I haven't in a while. I realized that I am a person of impulsive behaviors. Well, I'm still a person of impulsive behaviors.
When I was 13, my parents sent me to a phsychologist after finding out I'd been drinking, smoking, having sex, blazing, and lying all the time. It was pretty normal stuff. I was young, but I wasn't the only one doing it. But the difference was that I would always take things further. The next level. I'd go and go and go until my parents stopped me and I learned how to make educated decisions. It's part of the reason I'm so laid back now. I know how to take a step back and look into a situation and asses it before making a decision.
Welllllll. It's coming back. Part of me loves it, the other part... not so much. I impulsively and repeatedly have sex with people I've just met and binge eat.
I don't know where I was going with that but now that I've admitted to it, it's off my mind.
God, I have so much to tell you girls!!!!!
I've been living with my friend in Toronto, so it's impossible to get on Blogger. But I promise I WILL CATCH UP!!!

As for how I've been doing? Hmm. Halloween I was down to 120 and happy. Looking dec. My stomach was practically flat. But that was after not eating for 2 days. The picture of me in my costume's on the left. Bad quality but whatevs.
I was talking to Princess Smile about doing a week on week off deal (eat normally for a week, restrict for a week) but that's not going to work. I'll end up binging. And I'm so constapated. All I want are my laxatives. It's mostly because I've been eating a lot of meat and I'm on my rag. Blagh.
Someone commented on my blag a while back saying not to get too involved with laxatives because they aren't goo for me. Can someone please tell me if anything we are doing is 'good' for us? I mean, exercising is as close as it gets but exercising on an empty stomach (which is what we all do) is super dangerous. So is restricting, so is binging, so is purging... So I can't be too bothered about admitting I use too many laxies.

Anyways. God. This post is so boring. I apologize. I'll find you girlies some thinspo and I'll comment on some of my new followers :) Honestly - appreciate everything so much, girls.
To make it more interesting, some of my recent Facebook tagged pictures (well, crops of them... I don't want my face on here.)

Top left: Ribs from the top
Top right: Collarbones!
Left: My tattoo. Huray :)

The moment I get out this office, I'm purging and having a smoke and perhaps going shoplifting in Kensington market then having a big glass of wine when I get home.

Love you guys. And as I said, I promise I'll check up!