Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I have a facination with mental illnesses. I find them so intriguing. So, it's only natural that I'd love 'Girl, Interrupted' both a book and a movie. It's a true story based on Susana Kaysen's stay at a mental institution. I've seen the movie loads of times (Angelina Jolie is fucking ace in the film) and I started reading the book a second time this morning. I'm reading it to my mom. We carpool to work, so sometimes I read in the car because our ride can take up to an hour.
Some photos from the film:

So, today I went back through things I've written recently and dug up an old free verse (practically everything I write is free verse). It's supposed to be centered on multi-personality disorder. I feel like I should elaborate on it, but I'm not in the mood to write today. I tried to switch perspectives with each new stanza. Enjoy :)

Even With Our Eyes Closed

A passing wind who slices through the pines. You cut down all my trees.

You starve me; exhaust me.
Your breath in my lungs, you disgust me.
Your lumbering figure merely an outline against that background you call home. Goodbye, darling, I’ll wait in the foreground.
Where art thou sanity? Juliet’s not weeping for you tonight. So finish that bottle of wine, swallow that poison, your toes curling, vision swirling. Hug your porcelain teddy bear.
Fly away with the crows.
Acid stomach reflux. Your insides are crawling. Let the secrets leak out. Let them devour you. And I’ll be watching as the crows pick at what’s left.
Your heavy days turn to sleepless nights turn to knots impossible to untangle.
Your mind is a zoo. Infested. Bared teeth and glowering eyes. Skeletal fingers wrapped around rusted bars. You won’t escape.
You are my heel. You are my everything my nothing my something. I am your plaything.
You’re a fucking coward. Go, on, fly away without me.

You’re pathetic.
Straightened cutlery on a silver napkin. My china, you’re so breakable. So fragile.
Hardened steps. Calculated breaths. Let me guess.
Oh, you’re quick to talk to my back. You better be quick to catch up.

Impatient clicking tongue, there’s no need to wait. You know I’m done.
Tic Tac Nothing. Stop crossing the lines. This isn’t a game.
Fuck you.
It will take more than a little glitter to make me step on glass.
You have nowhere to go. There’s no heaven in your sky. There’s no life in your eyes.
Just a little touch of high.

I don’t have to look back to know you’re watching even with our eyes closed.

The white lies come marching off your tongue and light up our room.
I love you. Wait up

Blah blah blah what to write...
I'm keeping track of my calories every day now. I'm too lazy to write everything down, though, but I can tell you I'm back to losing weight instead of gaining it. I don't know my exact weight because I don't have a scale. I'll let you know when I have numbers.
Oh, and I had a shitload of thinspo saved on my computer to post today but my computer got a virus and had to be sent in to get fixed, so I deleted it all in a frenzie.
Hope you're all doing lovely. I'm going to go pretend to eat lunch now.
Stay Skinny

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

This My Excavation

So, as promised, thinspo... And a little something different at the end of the post.
James Mountford
The following are several of his shots from different projects he has worked on. All of which are bindblowingly gorgeous. I love that they're all black and white; the natural shadows created by the divets and such in the model's bodies in combination with the harsh light.... ah. Just take a look.

And the following is a piece of writing I'm working on. It's not done yet. I've noticed my writing has stepped away from being about specifics and become very vague and abstract. I've been working on using allusions and delving into more complex literary devices.

As I fell, the sun did nothing but mutter deep yellows and reds.
I waded into this flood and it’s Challenger Deep.
Crossed fingers are praying I’ll float where I usually sink.  

These semantics are semi-antic and semi-
My mind running blind and naked down a dirt road in no one’s home town.

Created and embellished to slowly crawl in circles,
I’m gaining no ground, becoming unbound
Only to match my tracks until I break.

Scuttling of leaves on the canvas of a yard
The apple tree screams autumn
And I realized I hate this season because everything’s dying
And with melted wings, there’s no flying
Away from here.

Hollow walls and empty shelves are constantly shaking,
Scared to smell like a new family
And they’ll grab onto my ankles and weigh me down.

This crippling insomnia has me on my knees,
Begging the Sandman to grind crushed stones into mine hollow seas.

Smoke escapes chapped lips
Spun, Measured, Cut
And by your palm whispered “cut short”
Sprinting through tears, shrugged away.

Feet of lead, my winged fingers billow in the breath of the changing tides
As Sun mutters her way to the sky

This tether is merely feathers
Just play the sun and let me fall

Well, I'm out.
Hope you enjoyed :)
Stay Skinny

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Here We Go

Hey Guys - Just thought I'd let you know I'm back on track and feeling stronger than ever. I've accepted that weekends are not going to be great (seeing as my drunk self always feels McDonalds is necessary) but I'll try my best and keep strong during the week.
First off, if you want a good laugh, go to my last post and check out the comments. I got a good chuckle out of it. Oh, the naivity! haha
Goalwise, I'm GOING to be at 115 by New Years. It will be so hard to stay down over Christmas but GOOD NEWS!!! My sister has a soccer tournament in Florida and I opted not to go (I played rep soccer for 9 years, so I've had my fair share of being dragged around). My family leaves on Christmas day. This means I'm not going to my uncle's (he makes phenominal food and they all smoke a lot of pot. This combo = death) so I'll only have one Christmas dinner! I also have the house to myself for the week right before New Years. Perhaps things are going to start working out for me :)
As for everything else, it's all pretty boring. I'm going to a psychic tonight with two of my friends which I'm really excited for. I'll let you all know how it goes.

And yet another busy day at work has my hands full, so I leave you all here. I'll post some thinspo tomorrow.
Glad to be back.