Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus.

I just hit a wall. A big mothafuckin wall of food and binged. For 10 days/ Gained 6 lbs.. I think it's the weather. There's really something wrong with me and winter; I think it's S.A.D. but apparently my father is an expert on the disorder and I don't have it. Like he'd know.
PS - bad news: mom found my laxatives. She asked me about them and said "I hope you're no using them for weight loss". Ugh. I said I used them a lot when I was becoming a vegetarian. Legit.
But good news is here which is why I decided to post. Wednesday, I put the wheels in motion and I'm really buckling down. Wednesday I had a pear, an apple, and 2 ricecakes. Yesterday I had an apple, 8 jube jubes (130), and 5 timbits (300). Not exactly healthy - but at least I kept it around 500 for the day. And today I plan on nothing until after 9:00. I'm not drinking any liquids or eating any make-me-feel-full food. I'm going to my friend's uni this weekend and I want to show off my new tattoo (It's a feather on my ribs - I'll post a picture when I'm happy with my body) which means showing skin which means I need to be skinny.
After just the 2 days of restricting I lost the whole 6 lbs. and I'm back at stinking 122. But the progress is such great motivation, I know I'll be ok.
So, since my life is boring, I'll post some thinspo to fill the space :)
PS I'm too lazy to format all the photos, so you'll just have to scroll a lot.

The following are photos by Tamara Schlesinger for Lyell.
Lyell's clothing line is classy and feminine without the excess ruffles. Their looks accentuate all the right areas of these beautiful models and Tamara's photography captures it stunningly. You can really tell a woman took these photos. Perfect timing, perfect composition. Even the blemishes make it all beautiful.

These shots were taken backstage at the Lyell show 2008.

These are 2009 Fall looks

These are some of Lyell's past looks.

Hope you all enjoyed and are doing well on your persuit of hapiness, however you choose to achieve it.
Again, I'm sorry for the hiatus. But I'm back and ready as ever!
I'll try to catch up on your posts today - I'm so far behind!!!
Have a wonderful Friday :)

Friday, October 9, 2009


Today is great. Not hungry at all.
Wish I didn't eat those 4 slices of pizza and the cup of pizza flavoured KD. 200 cals in ea. so a total of 1000 cals yesterday. Totally shit. But I took a laxie and a deep breath and today I am eating NADA.
I can feel myself getting lighter.
Perhaps I'll post a picture of my stomach (and disgusting thighs, ugh).

So, last night I mooched a ride from a guy friend, M. We took chemistry together in grade 11 and it was the most fun I've ever had in a class. I did horribly in the course because as much as it's interesting to me, the majority of the chem formulas and symbols were gibberish to me. The only thing that really saved me from passing were the labs M and I did together. I don't think either of us passed our exams, but we did unrealll at labs. We were the loudest kids in the class and our teacher loved/hated us. I developed a crush on him about half way through the semester and decided to tell him over honesty box on fb. Now, I'm not usually a coward, but I thought it would be fun. Wrong. It went horribly! He told our whole class about this "mystery honesty box girl" and in the end, I told him it was me. We hung out after school a couple times but the last time, he fell asleep, so I moved on lol. We have a laugh about it all now.
Soooooo, he drove me home last night slash I drove his van because he didn't want to drive because he wanted to smoke but I can multitask. We went to the park and talked and laughed and eventually kissed.
I don't know if you've ever been in a long term relationship, but usually when you get out of one, kissing anyone else feels weird.
Well, S felt weird, fuckbuddy feels weird, but M didn't.
It was super cute.
And casual.
And we're going to a party tonight and he called "dibs" on snuggling with me.
BUT I'm on the rag.
Good job, me.
BUT I'm going to his college for Halloween and I'm staying with him, so hurah!
Sorry for this extremely boring post. I write more for me. The artsy posts are for you girlies, but if you find my life interesting at all, then keep on readin' and I promise it will all get better.

And since I put you through this torturous post, I'll post some thinspo lateskis once I find some that's interesting enough.

Hope you're all happily hungry ;)

Curs in the Weeds

My favorite song at present.
I think I like it because every time I listen to it, I find another meaning to it. There's so much behind lyrics and the instrumentals are beautiful. (btw, a 'cur' is a hunting dog)
Enjoy :)


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Worst. Day. Ever.

  • Woke up late
  • Got my period
  • Forgot to bring tampons to work so I have to use a dirty pad
  • Forgot my keys to the office at home
  • Monitors were waiting to get into the office
  • Waited from 8-9 until D, one of the nurses, came into work
  • Monitors need Temperature Logs which are in my boss' office which I forgot the keys for
  • Boss won't be in til' 3, monitor's want to leave at 3: I see a lot of future bitching at the middle man aka me at 3 when they want to leave and my boss is late as usual
  • Monitors need Endoscopy Report that was lost on the dictation tape and the old secretary never bothered to get re-dictated
  • Logged on to old secretary's account to find a bajillion Lab Reports she forgot to tell the site to forward to me and now I have to sort them all
Fuck this.

Commencement's tonight. Ergo, I get to see alllll my friends who have been off having a jolly time at uni while I've been moping around and starving myself at home.
Come on, world, show me what the fuck you got because you aren't going to stop me from seeing my friends. Today will be a good day...

After I get off work.
At least I have something to look forward to.

And I'm getting super good at not eating at work at all. If I need to eat, I have one of the 35 cal Rice Cakes in the back I bought for myself :) Yesterday, I didn't eat til about 7 and I had this dish of pasta (so bad but so good!) and then DEATH... BRIE. I'm such a sucker for brie and my friend and I ate a whole slice of it between ourselves. After I drove her home, I purged the majority of it and took a laxie. So I think I'm down in weight and I shall look lovely in my dress tonight at commencement.
Cheers to skinny years (L)
Hope you're all having a better day than I am.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I can't believe I'm at work at 7:00 am

Being here at 7 means I left my house at 6 which means I was up at 5:30. Wowza. Defs not a fan.
There's not much to do here this early other than ctaching up on filing, so I guess I'll do that after I post some thinspoooo!

So, I've posted a lot of photog thinspo which seems to be a trend in all of our blogs. My first few thinspo posts had all kinds of different art, but it's been difficult to find any art thinspo that isn't photography. But, after searching far and wide, I found a brilliant illustrator, Kelly Smith.

Kelly Smith has also done a number of collaborations with photographers such as Macushla Burke. These two paired up for an illustrated editorial for Cream Magazine called See Emily Play.

And since I'm on a roll and no one's at the office yet, I'll post some photography by Macushla Burke because... well, he's brill, too :)

Wow. That was a huuuge thinspo post. Hopefully it will keep me plowing through the day. I won't reflect too much on yesterday. I didn't eat anything allll day, but when I got home, my friend and I got high and ate a shitload. Tis' life, I guess. I love being high so much, that I'm willing to postpone progress until today. Tonight, I'm going to the fuckbuddy's house to cook him dinner because all him and his cousin eat is steak and burgers (both are in verrrrry good shape, theough. yum). I'm cooking Morracan Chicken. A specialty of mine.

And on another note, I need a quick rant.
I saw an ad last night with a little girl and it talked about how there's so much pressure on girls these days. Fuck right off. There has always been pressure on girls to become the extraordinary. The harder it is to do, the more pressure is on women to do so.
Exhibit A: In the medieval ages (from about 1000 right up to 1500) women were preffered fat. And why is this? Because it was harder to be fat. It cost money to become fat back then because they didn't have a McDicks on every street corner. In today's age, however, the pressure is on to be skinny. And why, the poor media haters wonder, is this so? Because it's fucking hard. We know that. Everyone else who wasn't blessed with good genes knows that. If we could, I'm sure we would all love to stuff our faces with brownies and fries and hate on the media. But we aim for higher ground. We rise above the temptations.
So suck it, media haters.
That's all for my rant.

Still no one at the office. Life is grand.
I'll catch up on some blogs :)

PS - do my pictures come out sloppy in my posts? When I view them on my computer at work, they're all organized and dandy, but when I look at them from home, they look all screwy sometimes. Let me know :)

PSS - Thanksgiving this weekend! NOOOOOO. I almost forgot! Does ANYONE know how self-induce sickness? I know I could pretend I'm sick, but I need to MAKE myself sick. I could eat raw meat, but I don't think that would work right away. Any suggestions?

Monday, October 5, 2009


 So, I (much like every other promia/ana blogger in our chain) am taking up the SSPO Challenge thanks to Stella Starver! (Oct. 5 - Nov. 1)

Here are SS's rules molded a little to fit me :)

1. Lose a minimum of 5 pounds.
2. Only beverages: anything diet, tea (no milk), water.
3. Absoluutely NO beer. Vodka + diet sodas ONLY
5.No ice cream or cake.
6.No second helpings at meals.
7.Only fruits and veggies for snacks between lunch and dinner.
8.No more than 600 calories Mon-Fri and 1000 Sat-Sun
9.No eating past 8 pm.
10. Exercise at least 3 days per week

I think this will be the push I need.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I'm in an odd place today

I'm in one of those weird, creative, distant moods today.
As for the whole condom deal, I texted him. He texted me back 2 texts with at least 5 cumulative "sorry"s and then tried to call me but I was at work. I really don't think he knew. All the lights were off. But either way, I'm on the pill so everything should be ok.
I just can't get over how I feel today. Perhaps its reading The Bell Jar that's got me thinking myself into knots. Whenever I feel this way, I start to freehand write and I do it for about 10 minutes nonstop. No editing, no going back, and no reading it through until I'm done. I just did it and what I wrote scares me a little and part of me knows I'm prementrual and overreacting, but another part knows that parts of it are true.
This is what I wrote:

There is a time when endings come trotting by halfheartedly, blowing smoke in your face

And you lace up your shoes and shrug your shoulders because shoes don’t make any sense at all in summer and now you’re lacing them up because there could be snow on the ground in a week
And your face will be all red from the cold wind that cuts at your cheekbones, carved with an ever so slight ounce of extra skin that when you smile, your face has room
And you wish you could dance through the rain but you’re too high and it’s cold and you’re going nowhere
Because every road leads to another dead end, blowing smoke in your face
The whisper of your arms as they slide to your sides is the only sound you’ll hear with the throbbing ecstasy of people surrounding you, colliding with one another, and departing, forever untouchable.
They are invincible and you are invisible and a sigh escapes your lips and leaves your body limp, ready for the next fuck where you’ll lay and moan because you enjoy feeling wanted
You reflect by staring into pictures and grow sad because they are only pictures and then angry because they are only memories and you would rip them all up if you could feel, if only for a moment, that trickle of hope that rests itself on your breasts before you took a nap together
Hugging yourself as your try to save the memories from trickling away, trying to scoop them back in as you clench your eyelids, they leak out and through that red blur of veins that’s illuminated from the light and with time the memories blur and the only occupant residing in your memory is the feelings that you remember but can no longer feel.
Strangers graze your shoulders and you succumb to the absentminded way your body floats down the street with your boots dragging behind you
And you wish they were here even without words, and you could exchange glances and tell stories of memories of feelings with your eyes as tears spring and leave stains on your cheeks that have been damp for too long
And if someone would just reach and wipe the cheeks clean, then perhaps the cutting wind wouldn’t feel so harsh and winter wouldn’t be as bad
But as the first snowflake falls, you recall that feeling as if you were the mist that escapes the sidewalks as the cold meets warm.
Cold meeting warm is all you are; a mix of odd perplexities and an over contrasted figure standing in the doorway of a party where you don’t belong
And you wonder if you’ll ever belong again or if you’ll ever breathe freely again
Or if you’ll always have smoke being blown in your face.

Perhaps I'm just doomed to an eternity of craziness inside my head.
I'll catch up on blogs now :)

Thursday, October 1, 2009


And how did I just find out?
I pulled a piece of it out of my FUCKING VAGINA
Last night after he finished, he asked me if I was on the pill or something and I said 'yeah, why? Did it break?' and he said 'No.'
What a lying son of a bitch.
Never getting some from me ever again.
Wish my luck, I will get preggers from the first guy I sleep with after breaking up who just happens to be a fucking prick.
I'm just rattled to shit.
Do I text him and bitch and/or let him know?


So, I had sex with someone other than my ex for the first time in about a year. I went to his house for some drinks and a bunch of friends were there. We've always had a bit of sexual tension, but I always figured he was too much of an asshole to hook up with and it would only leave him with boasting rights. Well, if it's boasting rights he wanted, he's got them now. We sloppily made out on the couch after everyone left. He kept shoving his tongue in my mouth. If we ever hook up again, I'll try and stay sober and kiss him better. I just hate the whole excess tongue shit. You have to know how to do that shit the right way. Anyway, it all lead to his bedroom where.. well, we fucked. It was definately fucking, if anything. Not even giving it sex. There was nothing behind it. At all. And it felt so weird to walk home with no guilt and no satisfaction (Oh - I faked my orgasm, too, because I was late going home and he kept going after he finished. Ugh).
So I'm pretty indifferent. He has a pretty big, dick, too. Sorry I'm getting a little explicit!
I'm going to S's tonight (man - I sound like a class act right here nawt). And I picking up sushi on the way. I hope he makes the first move. He is a little immature and seems a little inexperiences. We'll see how it goes.
And now for some THINSPO! Huray!

Dan Martensen is a world renowned photographer. Super popular and for good reason. Here's some of his photos.

This is my FAVORITE picture of all his collections. Her stare reminds me of "The most famous pisture in the world" - you know, with the Indian girl? Well, I've looked up the model a few times (Her name's Frankie Rayder) and no one quite does her like Dan Martensen.

On the weighted side of life - I've been purging and using laxies a lot because I've been binging a lot. It's because I ate so horribly on the weekend at Queens. So today, I'm back on track. (Other than picking up some sushi tonight). I'm going to wait to weigh myself. Also may invest in a scale. That would help a ton.

I hope everyone's doing super well. Sorry I haven't been commenting. I'm selfish and caught up in my life at present, but hopefully if work isn't too unpleasant today, I'll find some time to brush up on all you blogs.