Oh, and if you're recovering from an ED - good for you, but this isn't the place for you.
And if you are "suffering" from an ED - follow the recoveries. This isn't a place for "victims".
This is a choice,
not an excuse,
not a spotlight,
not a statement,
and definitely not a disease.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Crash and Burn

I'm a mess.
I'm fucked up through and through.
Something's wrong with me and I just figured out what it is.

I'm mad.
I'm fucking angry.
All the time.

I'm mad at my sister for not giving two shits about anyone but herself.
I'm mad at my mom for staying in a job she hates and treating me like a child.
I'm mad at my dad for placing my sister on a pedestil when she does fuck all.
I'm mad at B for using her "self-conciousness" to manipulate people.
I'm mad at A for deciding she doesn't want to go to the same university as me.
I'm mad at my boss for piling his work on me.
I'm mad at the woman on the phone yesterday for being so fucking thick.
I'm mad at M for being skinnier than me.
I'm mad
I'm mad
I'm mad
At the whole fucking world.

And starving myself, purging, feeling that emptiness inside; it all helps me deal with the anger.
When I'm empty I can float right on by everyone. But I'm not empty. I'm fat and disgusting and...
You guessed it. I'm mad.

So I'm taking everything to new extremes. I will no longer be angry with myself. I will do this.

I will probably be taking a break from blogging. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know it's somewhere good. And when I get there, I'll let you all know.


  1. Your blog...
    Is down right embarassing and ignorant.

    Your 5"1 and your aim is to get to 106lbs? Thats a still healthy weight for your height. Just because your engaged in extreme dieting and wish to be thin, it does'nt necessarily mean your anorexic.
    Your statement on the top of your blog about ED's being a choice and not an illness...is wrong!
    For you it might be a choice, restricting your food is a choice for you because you clearly don't have a mental illness, your just a girl with self esteem issues who keeps yo-yoing from bingeing to restricting.
    Anorexia is a completely different thing to what you have. It's an illness in which its sufferers find it harder to EAT than it is not to eat. (Your evidently still tempted by food as reflected by your constant binges and attempts for 'self control'.)

    You've obviously left 'blogging'...because like other 'Pro anorexics' out there, you've got bored of this phase in your life and plan to return to your normal non-food obssesed life. You might come back in a few months and say 'OMG, so Im totally fat now, need ANA back in my life again'.
    Sadly, for those with anorexia, they can't take a break from their illness.

    Good luck going on crash diets and loseing weight though (and gaining it all back again like you keep doing)

    <3 <3 <3

  2. Oh, you must feel so great about yourself. Thank you for blessing me with your stupidity.
    “Anorexia” is an abnormal decrease in appetite. This, indeed, is an illness. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and is extremely rare. The psychiatric illness ‘pro ana’ blogs refer to is called “anorexia nervosa” and is characterized by low self-esteem leading to voluntary starvation.
    However, I do not believe anorexia nervosa to be a disease seeing as it has a voluntary aspect. So, I’m going to agree with you on one thing: No, I do not believe I have a disease.
    To clear things up:
    I haven’t left blogging. I’m putting it off until I get down a few pounds.
    I’m 5 foot 4 and I’m restricting until I reach 100 lbs.
    And I don’t think my ana will be magically disappearing any time soon. Seeing as you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that I was ‘diagnosed’ 3 years ago and have been battling EDs for about 4. You have no idea the extremes I go through. My blog is to get rant and communicate with people who understand.
    So… who the fuck are you to sit safely behind your computer screen and judge me?
    Grow a backbone and do some research.

    Have fun leaving gutless comments on people’s blogs to make yourself feel intelligent (even though it will never make up for the fact that you don’t own a pair of balls)

    <3 <3 <3

  3. hey, you're inspiring :) im 5'5 and my bmi is 19.1 i think? don't listen to the other stupid people who comment, they don't know what it's like