I Promise

Fascination

I have a facination with mental illnesses. I find them so intriguing. So, it's only natural that I'd love 'Girl, Interrupted' both a book and a movie. It's a true story based on Susana Kaysen's stay at a mental institution. I've seen the movie loads of times (Angelina Jolie is fucking ace in the film) and I started reading the book a second time this morning. I'm reading it to my mom. We carpool to work, so sometimes I read in the car because our ride can take up to an hour.
Some photos from the film:

So, today I went back through things I've written recently and dug up an old free verse (practically everything I write is free verse). It's supposed to be centered on multi-personality disorder. I feel like I should elaborate on it, but I'm not in the mood to write today. I tried to switch perspectives with each new stanza. Enjoy :)

Even With Our Eyes Closed

A passing wind who slices through the pines. You cut down all my trees.

You starve me; exhaust me.
Your breath in my lungs, you disgust me.
Your lumbering figure merely an outline against that background you call home. Goodbye, darling, I’ll wait in the foreground.
Where art thou sanity? Juliet’s not weeping for you tonight. So finish that bottle of wine, swallow that poison, your toes curling, vision swirling. Hug your porcelain teddy bear.
Fly away with the crows.
Acid stomach reflux. Your insides are crawling. Let the secrets leak out. Let them devour you. And I’ll be watching as the crows pick at what’s left.
Your heavy days turn to sleepless nights turn to knots impossible to untangle.
Your mind is a zoo. Infested. Bared teeth and glowering eyes. Skeletal fingers wrapped around rusted bars. You won’t escape.
You are my heel. You are my everything my nothing my something. I am your plaything.
You’re a fucking coward. Go, on, fly away without me.


You’re pathetic.
Straightened cutlery on a silver napkin. My china, you’re so breakable. So fragile.
Hardened steps. Calculated breaths. Let me guess.
Oh, you’re quick to talk to my back. You better be quick to catch up.

Impatient clicking tongue, there’s no need to wait. You know I’m done.
Tic Tac Nothing. Stop crossing the lines. This isn’t a game.
Fuck you.
It will take more than a little glitter to make me step on glass.
You have nowhere to go. There’s no heaven in your sky. There’s no life in your eyes.
Just a little touch of high.

I don’t have to look back to know you’re watching even with our eyes closed.

The white lies come marching off your tongue and light up our room.
I love you. Wait up



Blah blah blah what to write...
I'm keeping track of my calories every day now. I'm too lazy to write everything down, though, but I can tell you I'm back to losing weight instead of gaining it. I don't know my exact weight because I don't have a scale. I'll let you know when I have numbers.
Oh, and I had a shitload of thinspo saved on my computer to post today but my computer got a virus and had to be sent in to get fixed, so I deleted it all in a frenzie.
Hope you're all doing lovely. I'm going to go pretend to eat lunch now.
Stay Skinny
xoxo

This My Excavation

So, as promised, thinspo... And a little something different at the end of the post.
James Mountford
The following are several of his shots from different projects he has worked on. All of which are bindblowingly gorgeous. I love that they're all black and white; the natural shadows created by the divets and such in the model's bodies in combination with the harsh light.... ah. Just take a look.

And the following is a piece of writing I'm working on. It's not done yet. I've noticed my writing has stepped away from being about specifics and become very vague and abstract. I've been working on using allusions and delving into more complex literary devices.

As I fell, the sun did nothing but mutter deep yellows and reds.

I waded into this flood and it’s Challenger Deep.

Crossed fingers are praying I’ll float where I usually sink.  

These semantics are semi-antic and semi-

My mind running blind and naked down a dirt road in no one’s home town.

Created and embellished to slowly crawl in circles,

I’m gaining no ground, becoming unbound

Only to match my tracks until I break.

Scuttling of leaves on the canvas of a yard

The apple tree screams autumn

And I realized I hate this season because everything’s dying

And with melted wings, there’s no flying

Away from here.

Hollow walls and empty shelves are constantly shaking,

Scared to smell like a new family

And they’ll grab onto my ankles and weigh me down.

This crippling insomnia has me on my knees,

Begging the Sandman to grind crushed stones into mine hollow seas.

Smoke escapes chapped lips

Spun, Measured, Cut

And by your palm whispered “cut short”

Sprinting through tears, shrugged away.

Feet of lead, my winged fingers billow in the breath of the changing tides

As Sun mutters her way to the sky

This tether is merely feathers

Just play the sun and let me fall

Well, I'm out.
Hope you enjoyed :)
Stay Skinny
xoxo

Here We Go

Hey Guys - Just thought I'd let you know I'm back on track and feeling stronger than ever. I've accepted that weekends are not going to be great (seeing as my drunk self always feels McDonalds is necessary) but I'll try my best and keep strong during the week.
First off, if you want a good laugh, go to my last post and check out the comments. I got a good chuckle out of it. Oh, the naivity! haha
Goalwise, I'm GOING to be at 115 by New Years. It will be so hard to stay down over Christmas but GOOD NEWS!!! My sister has a soccer tournament in Florida and I opted not to go (I played rep soccer for 9 years, so I've had my fair share of being dragged around). My family leaves on Christmas day. This means I'm not going to my uncle's (he makes phenominal food and they all smoke a lot of pot. This combo = death) so I'll only have one Christmas dinner! I also have the house to myself for the week right before New Years. Perhaps things are going to start working out for me :)
As for everything else, it's all pretty boring. I'm going to a psychic tonight with two of my friends which I'm really excited for. I'll let you all know how it goes.

And yet another busy day at work has my hands full, so I leave you all here. I'll post some thinspo tomorrow.
Glad to be back.
xoxo

Crash and Burn

I'm a mess.
I'm fucked up through and through.
Something's wrong with me and I just figured out what it is.

I'm mad.
I'm fucking angry.
All the time.

I'm mad at my sister for not giving two shits about anyone but herself.
I'm mad at my mom for staying in a job she hates and treating me like a child.
I'm mad at my dad for placing my sister on a pedestil when she does fuck all.
I'm mad at B for using her "self-conciousness" to manipulate people.
I'm mad at A for deciding she doesn't want to go to the same university as me.
I'm mad at my boss for piling his work on me.
I'm mad at the woman on the phone yesterday for being so fucking thick.
I'm mad at M for being skinnier than me.
I'm mad
I'm mad
I'm mad
At the whole fucking world.

And starving myself, purging, feeling that emptiness inside; it all helps me deal with the anger.
When I'm empty I can float right on by everyone. But I'm not empty. I'm fat and disgusting and...
You guessed it. I'm mad.

So I'm taking everything to new extremes. I will no longer be angry with myself. I will do this.
I NEED TO DO THIS.

I will probably be taking a break from blogging. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know it's somewhere good. And when I get there, I'll let you all know.

I feel so selfish

I'm going to write another post about ME. Yeah, I'm feeling greedy, but I just need this out.
I've gained 5 lbs. since Halloween. I fast tomorrow. I eat under 500 calories Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to fast all next week. I will only drink diet coke and eat ricecakes when I have to. Any dinner I am made to eat, I'll purge.
I'm not good with setting limits for myself, but I need it this time.
I need this I need this I need this.
I'll be reading and commenting but I won't post until I've lost those 5 pounds. I just don't want to bring you all down here with me. It's not fun.
Oh, and on another note... I saw this documentary on pro ana/mia blogs and it infuriated me. Some people are so naive to think that they have the right to step into the ring of someone's private life. I let you all in our of trust. What people don't fucking get is that we aren't trying to hurt one another. Everything we do revolves around food. It's always on our minds. Settled in the back or right in the middle of our attention; it's there. Be it insecurity, chemical imbalance in the brain, anger, what have you, those not infected do not and will not ever understand.
Thanks for being here girls.
Thanks for everything.

I hate not Blogging

Sitting in a corner, head to the wall, the little white lies who march out your mouth so proudly light up the room. And when every corner is lit and every lie has been told, you spin around, ever so slowly. Your back slides against the wall, you're falling to the floor, your mouth gaping open, a black hole no longer spilling the light. You hit the ground and you realize your lies have closed you in.

Wrote that as a draft post last week and was going to finish it this week, but I don't think it needs finishing.
It's been a long day. It's been a long week. Felt some tangs of loneliness and worthlessness I haven't in a while. I realized that I am a person of impulsive behaviors. Well, I'm still a person of impulsive behaviors.

When I was 13, my parents sent me to a phsychologist after finding out I'd been drinking, smoking, having sex, blazing, and lying all the time. It was pretty normal stuff. I was young, but I wasn't the only one doing it. But the difference was that I would always take things further. The next level. I'd go and go and go until my parents stopped me and I learned how to make educated decisions. It's part of the reason I'm so laid back now. I know how to take a step back and look into a situation and asses it before making a decision.

Welllllll. It's coming back. Part of me loves it, the other part... not so much. I impulsively and repeatedly have sex with people I've just met and binge eat.
I don't know where I was going with that but now that I've admitted to it, it's off my mind.

God, I have so much to tell you girls!!!!!

I've been living with my friend in Toronto, so it's impossible to get on Blogger. But I promise I WILL CATCH UP!!!

As for how I've been doing? Hmm. Halloween I was down to 120 and happy. Looking dec. My stomach was practically flat. But that was after not eating for 2 days. The picture of me in my costume's on the left. Bad quality but whatevs.

I was talking to Princess Smile about doing a week on week off deal (eat normally for a week, restrict for a week) but that's not going to work. I'll end up binging. And I'm so constapated. All I want are my laxatives. It's mostly because I've been eating a lot of meat and I'm on my rag. Blagh.

Someone commented on my blag a while back saying not to get too involved with laxatives because they aren't goo for me. Can someone please tell me if anything we are doing is 'good' for us? I mean, exercising is as close as it gets but exercising on an empty stomach (which is what we all do) is super dangerous. So is restricting, so is binging, so is purging... So I can't be too bothered about admitting I use too many laxies.

Anyways. God. This post is so boring. I apologize. I'll find you girlies some thinspo and I'll comment on some of my new followers :) Honestly - appreciate everything so much, girls.

To make it more interesting, some of my recent Facebook tagged pictures (well, crops of them... I don't want my face on here.)

Top left: Ribs from the top
Top right: Collarbones!
Left: My tattoo. Huray :)




The moment I get out this office, I'm purging and having a smoke and perhaps going shoplifting in Kensington market then having a big glass of wine when I get home.

Love you guys. And as I said, I promise I'll check up!
xoxo

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus.

I just hit a wall. A big mothafuckin wall of food and binged. For 10 days/ Gained 6 lbs.. I think it's the weather. There's really something wrong with me and winter; I think it's S.A.D. but apparently my father is an expert on the disorder and I don't have it. Like he'd know.
PS - bad news: mom found my laxatives. She asked me about them and said "I hope you're no using them for weight loss". Ugh. I said I used them a lot when I was becoming a vegetarian. Legit.
But good news is here which is why I decided to post. Wednesday, I put the wheels in motion and I'm really buckling down. Wednesday I had a pear, an apple, and 2 ricecakes. Yesterday I had an apple, 8 jube jubes (130), and 5 timbits (300). Not exactly healthy - but at least I kept it around 500 for the day. And today I plan on nothing until after 9:00. I'm not drinking any liquids or eating any make-me-feel-full food. I'm going to my friend's uni this weekend and I want to show off my new tattoo (It's a feather on my ribs - I'll post a picture when I'm happy with my body) which means showing skin which means I need to be skinny.
After just the 2 days of restricting I lost the whole 6 lbs. and I'm back at stinking 122. But the progress is such great motivation, I know I'll be ok.
So, since my life is boring, I'll post some thinspo to fill the space :)
PS I'm too lazy to format all the photos, so you'll just have to scroll a lot.

The following are photos by Tamara Schlesinger for Lyell.
Lyell's clothing line is classy and feminine without the excess ruffles. Their looks accentuate all the right areas of these beautiful models and Tamara's photography captures it stunningly. You can really tell a woman took these photos. Perfect timing, perfect composition. Even the blemishes make it all beautiful.

These shots were taken backstage at the Lyell show 2008.

These are 2009 Fall looks

These are some of Lyell's past looks.

Hope you all enjoyed and are doing well on your persuit of hapiness, however you choose to achieve it.
Again, I'm sorry for the hiatus. But I'm back and ready as ever!
I'll try to catch up on your posts today - I'm so far behind!!!
Have a wonderful Friday :)
xoxo

Lalala

Today is great. Not hungry at all.
Wish I didn't eat those 4 slices of pizza and the cup of pizza flavoured KD. 200 cals in ea. so a total of 1000 cals yesterday. Totally shit. But I took a laxie and a deep breath and today I am eating NADA.
I can feel myself getting lighter.
Perhaps I'll post a picture of my stomach (and disgusting thighs, ugh).

So, last night I mooched a ride from a guy friend, M. We took chemistry together in grade 11 and it was the most fun I've ever had in a class. I did horribly in the course because as much as it's interesting to me, the majority of the chem formulas and symbols were gibberish to me. The only thing that really saved me from passing were the labs M and I did together. I don't think either of us passed our exams, but we did unrealll at labs. We were the loudest kids in the class and our teacher loved/hated us. I developed a crush on him about half way through the semester and decided to tell him over honesty box on fb. Now, I'm not usually a coward, but I thought it would be fun. Wrong. It went horribly! He told our whole class about this "mystery honesty box girl" and in the end, I told him it was me. We hung out after school a couple times but the last time, he fell asleep, so I moved on lol. We have a laugh about it all now.
Soooooo, he drove me home last night slash I drove his van because he didn't want to drive because he wanted to smoke but I can multitask. We went to the park and talked and laughed and eventually kissed.
I don't know if you've ever been in a long term relationship, but usually when you get out of one, kissing anyone else feels weird.
Well, S felt weird, fuckbuddy feels weird, but M didn't.
It was super cute.
And casual.
And we're going to a party tonight and he called "dibs" on snuggling with me.
Yayayay.
BUT I'm on the rag.
Good job, me.
BUT I'm going to his college for Halloween and I'm staying with him, so hurah!
Sorry for this extremely boring post. I write more for me. The artsy posts are for you girlies, but if you find my life interesting at all, then keep on readin' and I promise it will all get better.

And since I put you through this torturous post, I'll post some thinspo lateskis once I find some that's interesting enough.

Hope you're all happily hungry ;)
xoxo

Curs in the Weeds

My favorite song at present.
I think I like it because every time I listen to it, I find another meaning to it. There's so much behind lyrics and the instrumentals are beautiful. (btw, a 'cur' is a hunting dog)
Enjoy :)

xoxo

Worst. Day. Ever.

• Woke up late
• Got my period
• Forgot to bring tampons to work so I have to use a dirty pad
• Forgot my keys to the office at home
• Monitors were waiting to get into the office
• Waited from 8-9 until D, one of the nurses, came into work
• Monitors need Temperature Logs which are in my boss' office which I forgot the keys for
• Boss won't be in til' 3, monitor's want to leave at 3: I see a lot of future bitching at the middle man aka me at 3 when they want to leave and my boss is late as usual
• Monitors need Endoscopy Report that was lost on the dictation tape and the old secretary never bothered to get re-dictated
• Logged on to old secretary's account to find a bajillion Lab Reports she forgot to tell the site to forward to me and now I have to sort them all

Fuck this.

BUTTTTTT
Commencement's tonight. Ergo, I get to see alllll my friends who have been off having a jolly time at uni while I've been moping around and starving myself at home.
Lalala.
Come on, world, show me what the fuck you got because you aren't going to stop me from seeing my friends. Today will be a good day...

After I get off work.
At least I have something to look forward to.

And I'm getting super good at not eating at work at all. If I need to eat, I have one of the 35 cal Rice Cakes in the back I bought for myself :) Yesterday, I didn't eat til about 7 and I had this dish of pasta (so bad but so good!) and then DEATH... BRIE. I'm such a sucker for brie and my friend and I ate a whole slice of it between ourselves. After I drove her home, I purged the majority of it and took a laxie. So I think I'm down in weight and I shall look lovely in my dress tonight at commencement.
Cheers to skinny years (L)
Hope you're all having a better day than I am.
xoxo

I can't believe I'm at work at 7:00 am

Being here at 7 means I left my house at 6 which means I was up at 5:30. Wowza. Defs not a fan.

There's not much to do here this early other than ctaching up on filing, so I guess I'll do that after I post some thinspoooo!

So, I've posted a lot of photog thinspo which seems to be a trend in all of our blogs. My first few thinspo posts had all kinds of different art, but it's been difficult to find any art thinspo that isn't photography. But, after searching far and wide, I found a brilliant illustrator, Kelly Smith.

Kelly Smith has also done a number of collaborations with photographers such as Macushla Burke. These two paired up for an illustrated editorial for Cream Magazine called See Emily Play.

And since I'm on a roll and no one's at the office yet, I'll post some photography by Macushla Burke because... well, he's brill, too :)

Wow. That was a huuuge thinspo post. Hopefully it will keep me plowing through the day. I won't reflect too much on yesterday. I didn't eat anything allll day, but when I got home, my friend and I got high and ate a shitload. Tis' life, I guess. I love being high so much, that I'm willing to postpone progress until today. Tonight, I'm going to the fuckbuddy's house to cook him dinner because all him and his cousin eat is steak and burgers (both are in verrrrry good shape, theough. yum). I'm cooking Morracan Chicken. A specialty of mine.

And on another note, I need a quick rant.

I saw an ad last night with a little girl and it talked about how there's so much pressure on girls these days. Fuck right off. There has always been pressure on girls to become the extraordinary. The harder it is to do, the more pressure is on women to do so.

Exhibit A: In the medieval ages (from about 1000 right up to 1500) women were preffered fat. And why is this? Because it was harder to be fat. It cost money to become fat back then because they didn't have a McDicks on every street corner. In today's age, however, the pressure is on to be skinny. And why, the poor media haters wonder, is this so? Because it's fucking hard. We know that. Everyone else who wasn't blessed with good genes knows that. If we could, I'm sure we would all love to stuff our faces with brownies and fries and hate on the media. But we aim for higher ground. We rise above the temptations.

So suck it, media haters.

That's all for my rant.

Still no one at the office. Life is grand.

I'll catch up on some blogs :)

xoxo

PS - do my pictures come out sloppy in my posts? When I view them on my computer at work, they're all organized and dandy, but when I look at them from home, they look all screwy sometimes. Let me know :)

PSS - Thanksgiving this weekend! NOOOOOO. I almost forgot! Does ANYONE know how self-induce sickness? I know I could pretend I'm sick, but I need to MAKE myself sick. I could eat raw meat, but I don't think that would work right away. Any suggestions?