I Promise

Fascination

I have a facination with mental illnesses. I find them so intriguing. So, it's only natural that I'd love 'Girl, Interrupted' both a book and a movie. It's a true story based on Susana Kaysen's stay at a mental institution. I've seen the movie loads of times (Angelina Jolie is fucking ace in the film) and I started reading the book a second time this morning. I'm reading it to my mom. We carpool to work, so sometimes I read in the car because our ride can take up to an hour.
Some photos from the film:

So, today I went back through things I've written recently and dug up an old free verse (practically everything I write is free verse). It's supposed to be centered on multi-personality disorder. I feel like I should elaborate on it, but I'm not in the mood to write today. I tried to switch perspectives with each new stanza. Enjoy :)

Even With Our Eyes Closed

A passing wind who slices through the pines. You cut down all my trees.

You starve me; exhaust me.
Your breath in my lungs, you disgust me.
Your lumbering figure merely an outline against that background you call home. Goodbye, darling, I’ll wait in the foreground.
Where art thou sanity? Juliet’s not weeping for you tonight. So finish that bottle of wine, swallow that poison, your toes curling, vision swirling. Hug your porcelain teddy bear.
Fly away with the crows.
Acid stomach reflux. Your insides are crawling. Let the secrets leak out. Let them devour you. And I’ll be watching as the crows pick at what’s left.
Your heavy days turn to sleepless nights turn to knots impossible to untangle.
Your mind is a zoo. Infested. Bared teeth and glowering eyes. Skeletal fingers wrapped around rusted bars. You won’t escape.
You are my heel. You are my everything my nothing my something. I am your plaything.
You’re a fucking coward. Go, on, fly away without me.


You’re pathetic.
Straightened cutlery on a silver napkin. My china, you’re so breakable. So fragile.
Hardened steps. Calculated breaths. Let me guess.
Oh, you’re quick to talk to my back. You better be quick to catch up.

Impatient clicking tongue, there’s no need to wait. You know I’m done.
Tic Tac Nothing. Stop crossing the lines. This isn’t a game.
Fuck you.
It will take more than a little glitter to make me step on glass.
You have nowhere to go. There’s no heaven in your sky. There’s no life in your eyes.
Just a little touch of high.

I don’t have to look back to know you’re watching even with our eyes closed.

The white lies come marching off your tongue and light up our room.
I love you. Wait up



Blah blah blah what to write...
I'm keeping track of my calories every day now. I'm too lazy to write everything down, though, but I can tell you I'm back to losing weight instead of gaining it. I don't know my exact weight because I don't have a scale. I'll let you know when I have numbers.
Oh, and I had a shitload of thinspo saved on my computer to post today but my computer got a virus and had to be sent in to get fixed, so I deleted it all in a frenzie.
Hope you're all doing lovely. I'm going to go pretend to eat lunch now.
Stay Skinny
xoxo

This My Excavation

So, as promised, thinspo... And a little something different at the end of the post.
James Mountford
The following are several of his shots from different projects he has worked on. All of which are bindblowingly gorgeous. I love that they're all black and white; the natural shadows created by the divets and such in the model's bodies in combination with the harsh light.... ah. Just take a look.

And the following is a piece of writing I'm working on. It's not done yet. I've noticed my writing has stepped away from being about specifics and become very vague and abstract. I've been working on using allusions and delving into more complex literary devices.

As I fell, the sun did nothing but mutter deep yellows and reds.

I waded into this flood and it’s Challenger Deep.

Crossed fingers are praying I’ll float where I usually sink.  

These semantics are semi-antic and semi-

My mind running blind and naked down a dirt road in no one’s home town.

Created and embellished to slowly crawl in circles,

I’m gaining no ground, becoming unbound

Only to match my tracks until I break.

Scuttling of leaves on the canvas of a yard

The apple tree screams autumn

And I realized I hate this season because everything’s dying

And with melted wings, there’s no flying

Away from here.

Hollow walls and empty shelves are constantly shaking,

Scared to smell like a new family

And they’ll grab onto my ankles and weigh me down.

This crippling insomnia has me on my knees,

Begging the Sandman to grind crushed stones into mine hollow seas.

Smoke escapes chapped lips

Spun, Measured, Cut

And by your palm whispered “cut short”

Sprinting through tears, shrugged away.

Feet of lead, my winged fingers billow in the breath of the changing tides

As Sun mutters her way to the sky

This tether is merely feathers

Just play the sun and let me fall

Well, I'm out.
Hope you enjoyed :)
Stay Skinny
xoxo

Here We Go

Hey Guys - Just thought I'd let you know I'm back on track and feeling stronger than ever. I've accepted that weekends are not going to be great (seeing as my drunk self always feels McDonalds is necessary) but I'll try my best and keep strong during the week.
First off, if you want a good laugh, go to my last post and check out the comments. I got a good chuckle out of it. Oh, the naivity! haha
Goalwise, I'm GOING to be at 115 by New Years. It will be so hard to stay down over Christmas but GOOD NEWS!!! My sister has a soccer tournament in Florida and I opted not to go (I played rep soccer for 9 years, so I've had my fair share of being dragged around). My family leaves on Christmas day. This means I'm not going to my uncle's (he makes phenominal food and they all smoke a lot of pot. This combo = death) so I'll only have one Christmas dinner! I also have the house to myself for the week right before New Years. Perhaps things are going to start working out for me :)
As for everything else, it's all pretty boring. I'm going to a psychic tonight with two of my friends which I'm really excited for. I'll let you all know how it goes.

And yet another busy day at work has my hands full, so I leave you all here. I'll post some thinspo tomorrow.
Glad to be back.
xoxo

Crash and Burn

I'm a mess.
I'm fucked up through and through.
Something's wrong with me and I just figured out what it is.

I'm mad.
I'm fucking angry.
All the time.

I'm mad at my sister for not giving two shits about anyone but herself.
I'm mad at my mom for staying in a job she hates and treating me like a child.
I'm mad at my dad for placing my sister on a pedestil when she does fuck all.
I'm mad at B for using her "self-conciousness" to manipulate people.
I'm mad at A for deciding she doesn't want to go to the same university as me.
I'm mad at my boss for piling his work on me.
I'm mad at the woman on the phone yesterday for being so fucking thick.
I'm mad at M for being skinnier than me.
I'm mad
I'm mad
I'm mad
At the whole fucking world.

And starving myself, purging, feeling that emptiness inside; it all helps me deal with the anger.
When I'm empty I can float right on by everyone. But I'm not empty. I'm fat and disgusting and...
You guessed it. I'm mad.

So I'm taking everything to new extremes. I will no longer be angry with myself. I will do this.
I NEED TO DO THIS.

I will probably be taking a break from blogging. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know it's somewhere good. And when I get there, I'll let you all know.

I feel so selfish

I'm going to write another post about ME. Yeah, I'm feeling greedy, but I just need this out.
I've gained 5 lbs. since Halloween. I fast tomorrow. I eat under 500 calories Saturday and Sunday. I'm going to fast all next week. I will only drink diet coke and eat ricecakes when I have to. Any dinner I am made to eat, I'll purge.
I'm not good with setting limits for myself, but I need it this time.
I need this I need this I need this.
I'll be reading and commenting but I won't post until I've lost those 5 pounds. I just don't want to bring you all down here with me. It's not fun.
Oh, and on another note... I saw this documentary on pro ana/mia blogs and it infuriated me. Some people are so naive to think that they have the right to step into the ring of someone's private life. I let you all in our of trust. What people don't fucking get is that we aren't trying to hurt one another. Everything we do revolves around food. It's always on our minds. Settled in the back or right in the middle of our attention; it's there. Be it insecurity, chemical imbalance in the brain, anger, what have you, those not infected do not and will not ever understand.
Thanks for being here girls.
Thanks for everything.

I hate not Blogging

Sitting in a corner, head to the wall, the little white lies who march out your mouth so proudly light up the room. And when every corner is lit and every lie has been told, you spin around, ever so slowly. Your back slides against the wall, you're falling to the floor, your mouth gaping open, a black hole no longer spilling the light. You hit the ground and you realize your lies have closed you in.

Wrote that as a draft post last week and was going to finish it this week, but I don't think it needs finishing.
It's been a long day. It's been a long week. Felt some tangs of loneliness and worthlessness I haven't in a while. I realized that I am a person of impulsive behaviors. Well, I'm still a person of impulsive behaviors.

When I was 13, my parents sent me to a phsychologist after finding out I'd been drinking, smoking, having sex, blazing, and lying all the time. It was pretty normal stuff. I was young, but I wasn't the only one doing it. But the difference was that I would always take things further. The next level. I'd go and go and go until my parents stopped me and I learned how to make educated decisions. It's part of the reason I'm so laid back now. I know how to take a step back and look into a situation and asses it before making a decision.

Welllllll. It's coming back. Part of me loves it, the other part... not so much. I impulsively and repeatedly have sex with people I've just met and binge eat.
I don't know where I was going with that but now that I've admitted to it, it's off my mind.

God, I have so much to tell you girls!!!!!

I've been living with my friend in Toronto, so it's impossible to get on Blogger. But I promise I WILL CATCH UP!!!

As for how I've been doing? Hmm. Halloween I was down to 120 and happy. Looking dec. My stomach was practically flat. But that was after not eating for 2 days. The picture of me in my costume's on the left. Bad quality but whatevs.

I was talking to Princess Smile about doing a week on week off deal (eat normally for a week, restrict for a week) but that's not going to work. I'll end up binging. And I'm so constapated. All I want are my laxatives. It's mostly because I've been eating a lot of meat and I'm on my rag. Blagh.

Someone commented on my blag a while back saying not to get too involved with laxatives because they aren't goo for me. Can someone please tell me if anything we are doing is 'good' for us? I mean, exercising is as close as it gets but exercising on an empty stomach (which is what we all do) is super dangerous. So is restricting, so is binging, so is purging... So I can't be too bothered about admitting I use too many laxies.

Anyways. God. This post is so boring. I apologize. I'll find you girlies some thinspo and I'll comment on some of my new followers :) Honestly - appreciate everything so much, girls.

To make it more interesting, some of my recent Facebook tagged pictures (well, crops of them... I don't want my face on here.)

Top left: Ribs from the top
Top right: Collarbones!
Left: My tattoo. Huray :)




The moment I get out this office, I'm purging and having a smoke and perhaps going shoplifting in Kensington market then having a big glass of wine when I get home.

Love you guys. And as I said, I promise I'll check up!
xoxo